terry gilliam is a great director, but sometimes his vision is far too grandiose. take the brothers grimm, for example. what could have been a nutty fantasy comedy, turned into an overblown fx vehicle. you’ve got some walking trees, a big bad werewolf, and the black ooze gingerbread man. which is all fine and good, but why did gilliam want to direct this movie? he usually deals with more thought-provoking subject matter.

it’s not a bad movie, by any means. considering the current trend of movies, it was pretty frickin’ awesome. still, i can’t help but feel like this a terry gilliam side project. a very funny side project. “matt damon!”

i helped stemshul put stain and finish on some endtables, both yesterday and again today. when this brownish stain gets on your skin, it looks like liver spots. call it a glimpse of the future, when i’m old and my skin is all splotchy brown. that’s assuming i don’t have skin cancer. i may already have won skin cancer. or at least a chance. you may have already won a chance. like those publisher’s clearing house things. just buy some magazines and you’ll definitely win a chance to win.

i was supposed to get my car’s oil leak plugged today. i was thinking it would cost $300. good ol’ american-made cars are so cheap to fix, right? listen to that beautiful sarcasm. it just so happens that my p.o.s. car needed $840 worth of repairs. golly gee, i think i’ll pass. it’s about time for a new car anyway. this car’s two years are almost up. i just hope it can make it the 2,000 miles to the dry dry desert. i think it can. after all, it is american-made. i just don’t feel like i’m driving excitement anymore.

did you know about free psps and free ipods? there are other ones too. free xbox 360, free plasma tv, free lobotomy. i’ll save you a browser hijack by not posting those links. you’re welcome. the sites seem to be legit. but do you really want to go through the headache of a bunch of free trials and referring people just to get an ipod? “free” used to mean not having to do anything.

do you want to be taken seriously? do you? here’s how you can be taken seriously. seriously. when making a list of your favorite books, don’t ever put dan brown on that list. just don’t do it. you can read his hack novels. you can love his hack novels. you can even bear his hack children, if you want. but don’t ever put any of his gay ass books on a top 10 list. at least, not if you want to be taken seriously.

80’s-ology: the study of everything 80’s. i’m a student. i’ve been noticing something about 80’s pop music. see, for the longest time, i wondered what made 80’s drums sound so… fantastically 80’s. i always thought it was the production. or maybe someone thought it would be a great practical joke to stuff tube socks into every drum orifice. today, i think i’ve figured out the truth.

what makes a drum not a drum? a drum machine. synthesized drums. i’m not sure of the exact figure, but, like, 95% of all 80’s music uses fake drums. it’s unreal! every 80’s song i listen to has the exact same drum samples. live drums are almost non-existent, except for the true band bands, which actually have a physical drummer. like that one-armed guy in def leppard.

the secret to 80’s music is making it fake. or just put a tube sock in your snare.

of course true. you can’t answer false to a statement like that! are you crazy? you can’t say a pimp is not something good to be. how can you say that? i can’t say that. ice-frickin’-t wouldn’t be caught dead saying that.

i took another test. i love these things. i’m addicted. it’s basically like you’re taking a psych evaluation, and then the page spits out some weird thematic results. half the time, people just look at the results and think they’re like, ya know, whatever. but the results are not stupid. in fact, they are quite telling. but don’t take my word for it.

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Take the Dante’s Inferno Hell Test

i love it when a blogger posts pictures of hot chicks all over their blog. bikinis, thongs, cleavage, cracks, slinky tops, and a whole lot of other bumpin’ stuff. i start to think, hey, are they doing that because they like hot chicks? are they doing it because they don’t want people to think they’re gay? or maybe they can’t find good pictures to post, so they just post pics from their secret stash of lust. i don’t know.

then i think, oh no! if i don’t post pictures of hot chicas, are people going to think i’m gay? i can’t be havin’ that. so on your right, you see a nice piece i like to call “into the alba”. that’s jessica alba from the new movie into the blue. the movie looks wretched, but alba looks scrum-diddley-umptious. and i mean that in the most devious way possible.

today was fun. i went to a family cookout/going away party. most of the people there were people i hadn’t seen in many years. i totally blew the meet ‘n’ greet moment. i shook my great uncle’s hand, hugged my great aunt, and asked where the food was, ignoring the five other people sitting there in a circle. i couldn’t have been more of a jackass if i wanted to be. i’ll have to do better at the reunion of 2007. i’ll shake two hands and hug two people.

to top it all off, my chin has been extra cold today. during my daily grooming, i accidentally took a triangle out of my goatee, leading to the decision to remove all hair from my face. i feel 10 years younger, which would make me fourteen. i didn’t like being fourteen. i didn’t know what to do with myself. i think i need to dye my hair jet black. i’m currently listening to billboard’s top 100 of 1987. i may be going through a pre-midlife crisis. but at least you don’t think i’m gay anymore. thank you, alba.