i wasn’t able to qualify in any of the poker tournaments i played online. i guess my luck just ran out. but i had a lot of fun, and i have realized something important. poker is actually just a metaphor for life… i know! isn’t it amazing? i can’t believe it either. my problem is that i’ve been folding too much. i’ve got to start calling with my pocket aces. because i do have them. i’m not bluffing.

i kinda want to go to the casino downtown and play for real at a real table with real cards and real chips. i’m afraid this could become an addiction where i won’t know when to stop. but i have pocket aces!!! i can win.

there wasn’t a single knock on the door tonight. no neighbor kids with crazy costumes, begging for free candy. no teenagers trying to pose as children. no gangly nerds in child size large batman costumes. i guess that means more twizzlers for me. and according to the web site, the nearest sex offender is 2.2 miles away. so, on top of the weather feeling nothing like late october and only a few decorations in sight, we also have zero tricks and too many leftover treats. luckily, twizzlers don’t have any fat content, because i don’t need my rump ballooning up any bigger.

check it. before you wreck it.

the latest weezer video is sweet. we’re talkin’ candy-coated goodness. i haven’t been able to find much information, but it seems that they have preemptively censored themselves.

it’s a fact, jack, that mtv(2) will mute out any words they deem offensive. this usually includes drug references, but not sexual innuendo. so if your song includes the word ‘drugs’ 64 times, there is a good chance you won’t hear the word even one time. welcome to free america, where tv stations decide the words we get to hear. last i checked, the words ‘drugs’, ‘hash’, and ‘pot’ were not considered obscenities.

i’m guessing that rivers and company decided to edit their song/video to be ‘we are all in love’, so that it didn’t end up being ‘we are all on #####’. and in case you didn’t watch the video from the link above, or that site sucks and it didn’t work for you (because that site does suck and i had trouble getting it to work for me), i will explain the genius behind the video. rivers leaves his home and goes on an adventure through the city where everyone he encounters mouths the words “on drugs” when the song is singing “in love”. this is brilliant for two reasons… 1. mtv would have to fuzz out every mouth and they won’t do that (not yet, anyway). 2. it’s subliminal and it works, because even if you haven’t heard the song before, you find yourself thinking “on drugs” instead of “in love”.

i don’t know the rationale behind mtv’s hatred for drugs, but i’ll take a stab at it. it’s to protect the kids, right? if i get the chance to raise some bambinos, i want them to know everything about drugs, because the only way for them to make an informed decision about trying them or not, is by being informed. shielding them and hiding them from the big bad needles and the long acrylic bongs will only make them more curious. don’t act like things don’t exist, just because you don’t want to deal with them.

i placed 17^th in a little qualifying tournament today. it was a blast and i really shouldn’t have gone all-in with a 10 and 4 off suit. but sometimes you have to make stir fry chicken, so you don’t starve to death. i’m just happy i managed to do better than 1,151 other players. that’s my reward.

ready… set… go! the next qualifying tournament starts in 30 minutes and i’m ready for it. i’m getting some snacks together and i’ve found a nice big glass jar for urine and feces collection. i have a good feeling about this one.

some dude made a functional ipod halloween costume. it’s a great idea and it’s cool that it works. unfortunately, it looks like crap. it would have been so easy to make a rounded white box with his head sticking out the top. and it looks like the display is just hanging around his neck. costume idea: a+. costume execution/creation: c-.

The Pork Chop Express.

Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
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do you smell that? that’s me owning your ass. i have the title here. or the deed. the title deed. it says: “señor k. hater hereby owneth your gluteus maximus and minimus. surrender them, or die.”

i’m jack burton, baby. i eat lo pan for breakfast, and i always get the green-eyed girl.

i probably wouldn’t have been very good at taking phone calls and typing stuff into a computer anyway. i just don’t have enough experience or skill doing either of those things. so says the company i applied to. good for them. they wouldn’t want a loose cannon like me running around their office. and i don’t want to shave my face everyday.

last night, i hooked up with my old running crew on the google talk. they had some avant-garde music for me to hear. i listened, i laughed, and i couldn’t tell if it was a recording or a live performance. you may call her meredith monk. and i dare you to listen to turtle dreams.

watch it.