well, the big day is just around the corner. it’s coming fast and i hope i’m ready.

people at work have asked me why i’m getting married. the usual question from a bunch of overgrown ape men who have mastered the fine art of looking at women pass by the automotive shop. my response is always the same: “i need health insurance.” they aren’t asking for honest reasons, because they cannot fathom why someone would want to be with the person they truly love.

for me, it is difficult to enter into a committed relationship without pondering every detail to its infinite possibility. while most of society does not fully understand commitment or the idea of marriage, i am someone who cannot do this thinking that there will ever be a back door. there is no going back from this. it’s either meant to be or it isn’t, but i have no control over that. i only know myself and my future spouse, and what i know is that we are intrinsically linked in ways i’m not always able to comprehend. when i met her, something clicked. it made sense of all the things i couldn’t quite grasp up to that point.

when we were first dating, she invited me over to her apartment to watch some arrested development. there was a moment that night i will never forget. she was in the bathroom and i was left to myself and i started thinking about our relationship. i didn’t know what it was or where it was going, but all i could think about was leaving and getting as far away as possible. now, to some, this may seem like a bad omen or a sign. i have questioned this moment many times. why would i feel that way? was it my intuition telling me something? there was nothing bad happening. i wasn’t in danger or anything. all i can come up with is that i was afraid of the unknown. the future and the possibilities of what it meant to have someone i could trust completely were too much for me handle and i wanted to run. it was a defense mechanism of a scared little boy. but i stayed. i didn’t let the fear control me. i thought, “i just want to see where this goes.”

i have told her this story many times. and i will continue to tell it to myself, because i want to remember it forever. it was a moment when i took a leap of faith.

not many things make me mad any more. i have decided that anger and hate are emotions worth a little bit less than nothing. they have never done anything for me, never yielded positive or productive results. instead, i delight in uncovering things that seem pretty much like common sense to me, but are completely overlooked by others.

take this for example. the switch to digital television will likely be postponed until june. i keep asking myself: why is tv so important? why are they voting on whether to postpone the transition? why do they spend $1.34 billion on coupons for converter boxes? this is absolutely amazing to me. amusing even.

would there really be much harm in a few tvs going black on february 17th? would people survive? because it seems to me that this is some sort of urgent affair. only because it is. the television is the single best invention for keeping a populace in a euphoric state of apathy. and it works marvelously. when we watch it, we don’t have to think about our crappy existences. we don’t have to face the music of lives unfulfilled. when we watch it, we are complacent and entertained.

when i read these articles about digital tv transitions and postponements, i am not angry. how can i be? anger and fear and hate are what is expected of me as a consumer, a tv viewer, and an american. no, i am happy, because i can read between the lines.

oooh! a new lost is on tomorrow night.

last night, we went to the casino for food and gaming. i won $100 on video poker with 4 aces. i know it’s only $100, but it’s a lot to me.

p.s. why do all the lyrics sites say that the song goes: “it’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight”? i think it’s better that way.