getting married

well, the big day is just around the corner. it’s coming fast and i hope i’m ready.

people at work have asked me why i’m getting married. the usual question from a bunch of overgrown ape men who have mastered the fine art of looking at women pass by the automotive shop. my response is always the same: “i need health insurance.” they aren’t asking for honest reasons, because they cannot fathom why someone would want to be with the person they truly love.

for me, it is difficult to enter into a committed relationship without pondering every detail to its infinite possibility. while most of society does not fully understand commitment or the idea of marriage, i am someone who cannot do this thinking that there will ever be a back door. there is no going back from this. it’s either meant to be or it isn’t, but i have no control over that. i only know myself and my future spouse, and what i know is that we are intrinsically linked in ways i’m not always able to comprehend. when i met her, something clicked. it made sense of all the things i couldn’t quite grasp up to that point.

when we were first dating, she invited me over to her apartment to watch some arrested development. there was a moment that night i will never forget. she was in the bathroom and i was left to myself and i started thinking about our relationship. i didn’t know what it was or where it was going, but all i could think about was leaving and getting as far away as possible. now, to some, this may seem like a bad omen or a sign. i have questioned this moment many times. why would i feel that way? was it my intuition telling me something? there was nothing bad happening. i wasn’t in danger or anything. all i can come up with is that i was afraid of the unknown. the future and the possibilities of what it meant to have someone i could trust completely were too much for me handle and i wanted to run. it was a defense mechanism of a scared little boy. but i stayed. i didn’t let the fear control me. i thought, “i just want to see where this goes.”

i have told her this story many times. and i will continue to tell it to myself, because i want to remember it forever. it was a moment when i took a leap of faith.